Thank You For Your Protection
Ninja's Rebel Meter: 5/10
Thank You for Your Protection
1
There’s a single serving size
Of a yogurt smoothie.
Peach and
Mango
That flies
Off the shelves
At any price.
By far the
Bestseller.
It’s only conjecture on my part,
Its similarity to
Mango Lassi,
In texture and in taste,
Divine.
Ready now to crack open
This cool one,
There is resistance
In the form of tough plastic
To protect me, I remind myself, as my
Nails,
Evolutionarily made for tasks of this type,
Scrape impotently at the plastic,
That protects me
From the man who put poison in the Tylenol™
Bottle.
The origin of the price we pay
For our continued well-being
And role as loyal paying customers of
The best drink I’ve ever had that tastes like
Mango Lassi
Without being
Mango Lassi.
Pull down when you finally find the perforation
And sort of presto but but but
Not so easy and not so fast or bits of plastic will
Be in shreds everywhere.
Finally!
The cap!
Revealed!
Don’t think I am ungrateful.
Though it is automatic to repeat the mantra,
“Thank you for protecting me from the man who puts poison in the Tylenol™”
2
I cannot turn the cap
How much more protection could my benefactor
Bestow?
Only Hercules can twist this cap
But as I am not ungrateful
I say to it, “Thank you for your protection once again”
It’s a careful ballet this twisting of the cap.
Dry hands
Will not succeed
The towel
Dry or damp.
Will not work
That rubber flexible mat?
The size of a trivet
With a drawing of a kangaroo,
And a map of Australia that
Contours nicely over the cap
Will still fail.
There is a final device.
I don’t want to use it.
The Rubber Strap Wrench®
The rubber strap wrench always amplifies the strength of the user
It’s physics, the scientists say
So knows the implement.
It confirms
I’m not all that
After all.
Am I?
But it also knows that there is a
High percentage of a certain chance
That the floor and ceiling may see more
Of my precious Mango Lassi substitute
Than my taste buds will
If the strap wins over all
The other kitchen gadgets.
Its yellow handle mocks me. It smiles at me
Sneering as I
Wrap the strap around the cap
And lock it in place.
Anchor myself. For leverage.
To the counter.
Twist.
For my own protection.
- May 2025 by Ninja Notion
It has come to my attention, faithful followers, that some or all of you are receiving email I have not approved from the Substack app. At least one of these is titled “Recommendations from Your Substack”. These messages are not from me. I would never presume that the creators I subscribe to are of interest to you. They are generated by Substack in an effort to increase your engagement with the app. I apologize for the suck on your time this may have caused. I consider such email spam and if I can figure out how to stop it, I will. In the meantime you may resist this algorithmic attempt to steal your time and attention.